Have you ever felt a potential love for someone ? Like , you don’t actually love them and you know you don’t , but you know you could . You know that you could easily fall in love with them .
(Source: byvalour, via r4diant-l0ve)
My phone rings and intrudes on the quiet darkness like a bomb.
It wakes me right out of my sleep, bracing myself against foggy confusion.
I was having a good dream, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was about now.
It’s you calling,
I stare at the phone for almost four whole rings arguing with myself, until I decide to pick up.
It’s the first thing you tell me when I answer, a warning I’ve heard too many times before.
I can scarcely understand you,
you trip and fall and crawl over your words, you’ve never been this bad before.
You ask me where I’ve been,
why I haven’t come around in awhile.
Did I still miss you.
It’s funny because all day I had wished you would text me, it’s been almost two weeks since the last time we spoke and I wished with every fibre of my being that you had some sort of valid excuse, so that I could justify still wanting you.
But Allah is very good at making points, especially with me, because there are some lessons I can’t seem to learn, no matter how many men I let throw me away.
“Thank God you picked up” you say, sliding through your words like your first time on ice skates.
I roll my eyes on the other end of the phone, but I don’t hang up.
I never hang up.
Instead I tell myself that rolling my eyes and shaking my head in the dark where you can’t see me is enough, even while I soften my voice for you.
You tell me this is the last time you are ever drinking again,
You’re nauseous but you can’t throw up,
you ask if I know the feeling,
I’m ashamed to say all too well,
so I say nothing.
I don’t think you’ve noticed that I haven’t said a word since we started talking.
You say you’ve been kicking it with some bad guys but you’re going to stop soon… Wallahi.
“Soon” is the key word here,
not now, not tonight, but “soon”
and I wish you wouldn’t mix Allah with your liquor.
I’m going to be better - you say
I’m going to be better for you…
I put my phone down on the bed so I don’t have to hear the rest of your 4 am drunken promises that you are counting on forgetting by the morning.
You ask me who I’ve been seeing,
I don’t answer, my voice keeps breaking in my throat,
you ask if I’m crying
I say “No” it sounds sharp and defensive.
I hear you laugh, it’s patronizing.
“I don’t care who you’ve been with” you say “but it’s time for you to be done with them now”
Where have you been? I finally ask breaking my silence
— I’ve been busy.
— why are you riding me?
— astaughfirullah man.
Why do you always do this?
— why are you so crazy?
I open my mouth to defend myself, and then shut it.
My face gets hot and tingling,
my hands turned red and I could feel my eyes filling with tears,
I tried not to blink.
Even though you could not see me, I knew you didn’t deserve these tears,
Crazy, in my experience, is a word that men use to cut you down when they feel threatened.
Nonetheless the words tore through me.
I do everything I can to not be called “crazy”,
I don’t tell you how badly you’ve hurt me because I don’t want you to say it’s all in my head.
I don’t try to hold your hand in public because I don’t want you to say I’m possessive.
I don’t ask you who all those unsaved numbers are in your phone because I don’t want you to say I’m sneaky.
I don’t text you to tell you that I miss you because I don’t want you to say I’m clingy.
I don’t ask for any titles because I don’t want you to say that I’m needy.
But you don’t come around for two weeks and when I ask you where you were, I’m crazy?
You said you had to go, you’d text me tomorrow.
It’s been another two weeks and
only Allah knows why I’m still waiting."
— Key Ballah; a story from the dark days. (via keywrites)
March 4, 2013
I was unpacking when I heard you walk in. I had on light pink lipstick that I found at the bottom of a box. You put a few things on the counter and handed me my car keys. I kissed you and asked if you could help me move the bed. You said you needed to talk. I keep replaying this over and over in my mind. I don’t think I’ll be able to unpack the rest of our boxes.
April 4, 2013
It’s been a month since you left.
Mark says you’re not coming back.
I can’t sleep.
Are you awake?
May 4, 2013
I finally went to the doctor like you had begged me to.
You were right and yeah, I’ll be fine.
June 4, 2013
I sold my engagement ring at a pawn shop today. I bought expensive lipstick and flowers. I also bought a lot of beer and a carton of cigarettes. I’ve lost a lot weight since you last saw me. My friends from high school that I haven’t seen in years hardly recognize me. It’s weird being back in this town without you. I spend most of my afternoons at the beach. I saw a sea turtle today while I was swimming. I miss eating breakfast food at midnight with you.
July 4, 2013
I stumbled across the video of you in the car singing Taylor Swift. I deleted it before it played all the way through but I have to admit it made me laugh. I can’t remember how your voice sounds saying my name. I broke down and called you. Thank you for not answering.
August 4, 2013
I dropped my cigarette in my lap when you drove past me today.
September 4, 1012
I went on a date.
He thinks Bud Light is “quality beer”.
It just isn’t going to work out.
October 4, 2013
It doesn’t hurt anymore to say your name.
November 4, 2013
Hope you’re doing well.
December 12, 2013
Thank you for setting me free.
— These short letters are straight from my notebook, unedited and carelessly written - d.a.h (via girlchoking)
(Source: whisperingbones, via red-roseofthe-dead)
I want to start a band called Mumford & Puns and all we do is make puns to aggressive banjo music.
Only 2 notes in and I already lost a follower.
"Every mouth you’ve ever kissed was just practice. All the bodies you’ve ever undressed and ploughed in to were preparing you for me. I don’t mind tasting them in the memory of your mouth.
Was it a long journey? Did it take you long to find me?
You’re here now, welcome home."
— Warsan Shire. (via blindthoughts)
"She’ll grab your waist and whisper in your ear but six months later you’ll find yourself drunk texting her that you miss her and she won’t respond."
THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE
(Source: sureth-ng, via quitbitchinnnn)
"It’s 2am and I miss you
just like I did last night at 9pm
and just like I will tomorrow
at 6am when I wake up without you"
— Pien Pouwels (via c-oquetry)
"It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit."
— Eartha Kitt (via wordsnquotes)
"You kiss me with your mouth wide open like you’re not afraid of swallowing poison. I taste the good and bad in you and want them both. We call this bravery."
Everything you love is here
(Source: larmoyante, via lovequotesrus)